Woody Allen - Standup Comic. Private Life. This is my third night here, I haven't been here in about eight months now, was the last time I was here. I was here last, a lot of significant things have occured in my private life. I thought we could go over tonight and evaluate. So I moved into a doormanned apartment house on Park Avenue, that's rich and secure. I lived there for two weeks, and my doorman attacked me. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction, y'know. TheGROOVEshack.com Karaoke JUKE Box - Thousands of Songs (Midis) with Lyrics. Like other NFL players, Kaepernick has the ability to log his protest in ways that don’t require him stealing air time from the NFL, One thing he could. Nixon Presidential Nomination Acceptance Speech Republican National Convention Miami Beach, Florida August 8, 1968 Mr. Chairman, delegates to this. I formed a power block with my uncle and we sent my grandmother to jail. I took all the abstract philosophy courses in college. God, Death 1. 01. They threw me out, and my mother, who is a really sensitive woman. I got thrown out of college, she locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mahjong tiles. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. I used to. steal second base, and feel guilty and go back. Ah, I have a boy cousin that went through four years of college and became a mutual fund salesman, and he married a very thin girl from the neighbourhood, who had her nose lifted by a golf pro, y'know..(bok) Hit it and just.. If her husband fails to satisfy her sexually, Mutual of Omaha has to pay her every month. We did a play in acting class by Paddy Chayefsky called . It was method acting, so two weeks beforehand, I started to live the part offstage, y'know. I really came on God, there, I was really fabulous, I put on a blue suit, I took taxi cabs all over New York. I tipped big, 'cause he would have.
I got into a fight with a guy, and I forgave him. Some guy hit my fender and I said unto him.. I said, . I never used to go to the beach, 'cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumours during the war, that enemy submarines, German subs came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution. Allen, I guess, my wife, the dread Mrs. Honeymooning, I was fabulous, you would have adored me. I was on waterskis, stripped to the waist, skiing fast across the top of the surf, my hair back, I oiled my muscle. I got a very bad burn, really, I was thinking, when I was a kid, I was ashamed of having red hair, 'cause I lived in a tough section, I lived in a sub- basement walk- down, ah, under street level, janitor- style, ah, the janitor, that had the apartment during the depression, had some stocks, the market crashed, and he was wiped out, he tried to kill himself by jumping out the window and UP unto street level. There were tough kids in my class, there was. Floyd. Floyd used to sit in the dumb row in school. Vox is a general interest news site for the 21st century. Its mission is simple: Explain the news. Politics, public policy, world affairs, pop culture, science. Vegetable mentality, y'know. I made friends with him years later. I removed a thorn from his paw. Once, I was on my way for. I was a kid, and I'm walking past the pool room, and. Floyd and all of his friends are out, y'know, they're swiping hubcaps, in. Brooklyn, from moving cars, which is really.. And I walk past him. If you want me, call me by my. It's Master Heywood Allen. I spent that winter in a wheelchair. Lucky it wasn't a cello. I, ah, I have bad reflexes, and I can't fight. I was once. run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys. And I was not. in the army, in case you were wondering. I was in the canine corps. Strange. story, when I was young, I wanted a dog, and we had no money, we were very.. I couldn't get a dog, 'cause it was too much, and they. Flatbush, a damaged pet shop. I got a dog that stuttered. When the. cats would give him a hard time, he would go . He'd. turn all red, y'know. We wanted to send him into the army, but the papers got. I was in the canine corps. Me and eleven dogs was the outfit. Taught me how to heel. I was not in the regular army. I. was classified '4. P' by the draftboard, we went to war, I'm a hostage. I was a. tiny kid, and my parents couldn't get me a dog, 'cause we just didn't have. And I didn't know any better, y'know, I thought it was a dog. I was a dumb kid. Coming home late. Sheldon Finklestein tried to bully me. It's my antique. pocket watch, and it makes me look British, and I need that for my analysis. It. is a georgeous gold pocket watch, however, and I'm proud of it. My. grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. My grandfather was a. At his funeral, his hearse followed the other cars. My marriage, or. as it was known, . I had a rough marriage. Well, my. wife was an immature woman and, ah, That's all I can say, she.. See if this. is not immature to you: I would be home in the bathrroom, taking a bath, and. The first year of marriage I had a bad att.. I guess. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal all the. A vacation in Bermuda is. And. I saw myself free again, living in the Village, y'know, in a batchelor. Picassos by Van Gogh, and just great. Airline hostesses running amok in the apartment, y'know. And. I got very excited, and I ran into my wife, she was in the next room at. Conelrad on the radio, y'know. I laid it right on the. I came right to the point, I said . Well. finally, what happened was, my wife comitted adultery for me. She's always been. I have. She was an atheist, and. I was an agnostic, y'know. We didn't know which religion not to bring the. And I bummed around for a long time, and I met my wife. Long. Island, in New York, we were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island, a very. She went to. Hunter College, and she got into the philosophy department at Hunter, and she. And. she used to involve me in deep philosophical arguments, and then prove I. And I had to let her go, was what happened. I had to tell my parents about it. And my parents are what you used to. My parents come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the. They're very stable down- to- earth people, who, ah, don't approve. Their, their.. their values in life are God and carpeting. And my mother is in the corner, knitting a chicken, y'know. And. I'd said that I would have to get a divorce, my mother put down her knitting, and. Took it rather badly, I felt. I was at City Center, this was ages ago, I was watching a. City Center, and I'm not a ballet fan at all, but they were. New York, and that they had fixed the ballet. And I look. at the box, and I see a girl, and my weak spot is women, ah, so I always. And while he was there, he stole jam or something. They found the kid guilty. They returned to his parents half the tuition. We used to go up to her apartment late at. She used to plug in her twelve and a half. Marcel Marceau, y'know, just.. They wanted to prove to the outside world, that they. So I was the one they hired, y'know. I tried to look jewish desperately. I used to read my memos from right to left all the time. They fired me. finally, 'cause I took off too many jewish holidays. I had difficulty with. I didn't have difficulty with the cops. I. was once sitting home in my house, and a lot of cars pulled up around the. They shined in searchlights, and I heard a voice over the. This is the New York public. I came out with my hands up, y'know. They took me down to the main branch on Fifth. Avenue in New York, and they took away my glasses for a year. It was a very. big feature of the neighbourhood, y'know. Guys would break in and steal, and. I didn't know what to do about it, so finally I put. Figure that. would end it brilliantly, but it didn't, 'cause a man in my building, Mr. They hit. him with tremendous shot across the frontal lobe, y'know, real smack in the. He lay there. until his lease ran out, y'know. He's never been the same since the smack in. He laughs out of context. He's not as perceptive as the average tree stump, y'know. Nothing happend to me. I figure it's ridiculous, why. I forget about it and give Vic Tanning the cash., and I ask him if. Leon is always walking. I should learn Judo, 'cause I'd be an animal, but Judo to me has always. And then my good friends told me, in the back of. Esquire magazine, you can send away for a fountain pen that shoots teargas. It comes in the mail, two. I unscrew it, I put in the. I clip it in my breast pocket, y'know (click), I. I'm invited for the evening, y'know. He had just learned to. I think. Came right to my house in search of the. A tree- swinger in the lobby at two o'clock in the. A mouth breather looking at me, like (breathes heavily), y'know. I. took my watch out and I dangled it in front of him, y'know, 'cause they're. I tried to impress him and I backed off and. I pulled out my teargas pen, and I pressed the trigger, and some ink. I made a mental note to call Esquire and tell them. I'm standing in the lobby, two o'clock in the morning, y'know, with. I had a fountain pen in my hand, I tried. He came for me, and he started to tapdance. I lapsed into the old Navajo Indian trick. Tremendous. shoeshine boy, said to me . He. did give me an execellent shine though, I might add, but they were suede shoes. I went in my underwear shorts. I have varicose veins. And I figure, what the. Halloween, I'll go as a ghost. I take a sheet off the bed and I. I go to the party. And you have to get the. I'm walking down the street in a deep southern town, I have a white. And a car pulls up and three guys with white sheets say. So I figure there's guys going to the party, as ghosts, and I get. I see were not going to the party, and I tell them. All of a sudden it hits. Grand Dragon, I put two and two together. They ask me a question, and I. And next to me is the leader of the cla.. When it came to me, I. They knew immediately. They took my hood off. I saw myself as a kid again, in Kansas. Emmy- Lou. And I realise it's not my life. They're gonna hang me. And I spoke to. them, and I was really eloquent, I said . And they. were so moved by my words, not only did they cut me down and let me go, but. I sold them two thousand dollars worth of Israel Bonds. Would you take two negative messages? My mother used to say to. I was younger, . I did a vodka ad, that's the first important thing. A big vodka company wanted to do a prestige ad, and. No. He was not available, he had aquired the rights to My Fair Lady, and he was removing the. Pygmalion. They tried to get Laurence Olivier, and Howdy .
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